Every single week this season, right up until the final week, one lucky Real Madrid player was chosen to give an official interview. And every single week this season, right up until the final week, the backdrop was the same: a webpage with the glorious and proudly prophetic headline "Real Madrid win their 10th European Cup". Fortunately, they didn't look remotely silly because Madrid did indeed win their 10th European Cup on Saturday night and at their own stadium too, Marca's editorial on Monday morning gleefully declaring "football proves Madrid right", while they dedicated a wraparound cover to the greatest Madridista triumphs.
But while the Madrid sports media tried to sell their club's rip-roaring Champions League success, the rest of the country couldn't help noticing a sixth successive last-16 knockout against Olympique Lyon. Or a season that ended with the Second Coming looking rather like the First Going, Madrid finishing empty-handed. The good news for Madrid was that despite the presence of Wesley Sneijder and Arjen Robben, they avoided the embarrassment of watching Barcelona contesting the final. And worse still, winning it. Even T-shirts couldn't rescue Pep Guardiola's side against Inter in the semi-final.
Those exits meant that a season that was all about the Champions League was repackaged to become all about a massive battle of the behemoths at the top of the Spanish league, the European Cup becoming a mere audition for the Santiago Bernabéu job. The league actually did end up being infused with huge significance too, as both Madrid and Barcelona smashed the previous records and matched each other stride for stride until the finish, leaving Guardiola declaring their points totals "fucking barbaric". Which of course they were – provoking fear that there's something wrong with the rest of the league.
Madrid won 18 of their last 19 games going into the final day. Ultimately, though, their pursuit was in vain. Essentially because the 19th was against Barcelona. And Barcelona were just that bit too good, having lost only once and twice defeated Madrid. They finished three points ahead of their rivals and 28 – yes, twenty-eight – ahead of third-placed Valencia.
Sevilla also got a Champions League place (and their goalkeeper stuck in the net, while Mallorca and Getafe clinched places in the Europa League – miraculously won this year by Atlético Madrid, despite winning just three European matches in 15 since their Champions League qualifiers in August. For Atlético, it was their first trophy since the 1996 double. They couldn't make it another double after Sevilla beat them in a cup final which the RFEF somehow got away with playing on an official Fifa rest day. Again.
At the other end, thanks to picking up points against Sporting Gijón and Madrid respectively, Racing Santander and Malaga survived on the final day – with the lowest totals since three points for a win. Despite having the most luxurious locks in history and a superb record, Nestor Pipo Gorosito was just too late to rescue Xérez; Tenerife's solitary away win saw them go straight back down; and even signing three coaches and a bear didn't save Real Valladolid.
Not that Valladolid end the season empty-handed. Nor does Cristiano Ronaldo. He earned the greatest title of them all: Our Lord. And a place in the latest edition of the Guardian's homage to La Liga's finest. And its foulest. Starting with …
Best blasphemy
Never mind Sport's claim that Christ's address at the Sea of Galilee was, in fact, "a prophecy of Leo Messi" or Guti's heel being the Achilles of the Almighty, one night God Himself appeared before the Santiago Bernabéu. "Yesterday," opened AS's match report, "Cristiano was not just Cristiano but the whole of Christianity," while Marca's cover declared: "God came disguised as CR9". It was a bloody good disguise.
Best touchline performer
Apart from Mallorca's devilish mascot Dimoni, that is – the real star of the season, chasing players, fans and reporters about with his squidgy pitchfork and huge grin.
Just ahead of Manolo Preciado, craftily smoking a fag on the Sporting bench, and the Las Palmas coach who was sent to the stands at a stadium with no stands, so left the ground, got a ladder and watched the game from the top of the wall running round the perimeter, is the Valladolid coach Onésimo. He was booked for coming off the bench to tackle Athletic Bilbao defender Fernando Amorebieta as he ran down the wing and off the pitch, moaning "but he fouled me!" when the ref booked him.
But his best performance came on his debut which he spent shouting: "I shit on the bitch! I shit on the milk! I shit on my mother!", filling the air with ¡hostias!, the consecrated bread that forms the staple diet of Spanish swearing, kicking the ball to the fourth official with a shout of "hey kid!" and moaning when the kid didn't want to play; leaning against the dugout like a barfly chatting to fans; and yelling "I shit on God".Sorry! Sorry! It's not God's fault." Before apologising for shitting on God, adding: " He was right too: Valladolid were playing Valencia, not Real Madrid.
Best motivator
Onésimo again. Filled club captain Alberto Marcos with confidence as he prepared to make a substitute appearance, by shouting across at him: "Why do you think I'm sending you on? Because we haven't got anything better."
Best rant
And it's a third award for Valladolid, a second involving Marcos, who lost his head and threatened to help others lose theirs – quite literally. "I'd happily boot out anyone who doesn't give their all. I don't want friends and I don't care if no one in the team likes me; I don't like them. All I care about is having blokes alongside who will give their all. If we go down, people will end up on the dole. I want people who I can look in the eye and think: 'he cares'. Too many don't. We have to fight like dogs. And if we have to rip people's heads off, I'll rip people's heads off."
Biggest fall from grace
From striker everyone wanted to gobby, faking, self-absorbed, diving and largely ineffective deceiver in the blink of an eye. Step forward Álvaro Negredo.
Best promise
Valladolid striker Manucho arrived from Manchester United and vowed to score 40 goals. He got four.
Biggest villain
Patrick Mtiliga, who viciously attacked Cristiano Ronaldo's elbow. With his nose.
Most infuriating title
CR9. Just stop it. Please.
Best excuse
Better even than Rafael van der Vaart's "just because I handled the ball doesn't mean I handballed it" was Barcelona director general Joan Oliver's sterling effort in the midst of a crisis in Catalunya. When Joan Laporta became Barça president, he complained that someone was spying on his directors. Six years later, it emerged that he was quite right; someone was spying on his directors. He was. Barça spent €56,000 on surveillance to watch four vice-presidents. But, according to Oliver, who set the thing up, Barça weren't spying on them; it was in fact a "security audit" carried out for their "protection" and their "own good". And of course he did it without their knowledge. Because he didn't want to worry them.
Weirdest pre-match ritual
The moonlit, midnight one that saw former Deportivo La Coruña greats Arsenio Iglesias, Jacques Songo'o, Fran González and Javier Manjarín gathered round the centre circle at Riazor, garlic cloves strewn about, a burning cauldron before them, and a wizard chanting: "Owls, toads and witches; crows, salamanders and wizards; howl of dog and call of death, satyr's snout and rabbit's foot … sinful tongue of the immoral woman married to an old man, Beelzebub's fire, burning corpses, mutilated bodies of the indecent, farts from infernal bottoms, useless belly of the spinster … Hark, the roar of the burnt!". The spell was supposed to ensure that Deportivo's unbeaten Riazor run against Madrid stretched into a 19th year. But, much like the team without Filipe Luis, it simply didn't work.
Most severe punishment
When Laporta got into a debate with Racing Santander president Francisco Pernía and Cantabrian president Miguel-Ángel Revilla, claiming Spain was "crushing" Catalunya, they hit back in style. By telling him he was no longer welcome to join the Ambassadors of the Havana Cigar Club. That'll learn him.
Most committed campaign
The year's most hotly contested award is won by Marca and their magnificent display of Orwellian Doublethink. Sport and Mundo Deportivo got comically upset about the identity of Spain's third-choice goalkeeper – which is pretty galling for those who haven't even got a first – but they had a point. There was another strong showing from Villarato, Ronaldo's Beatification gathered steam with evangelical zeal, and even 27 goals weren't enough to silence the How Dare Higuaín Play More than Benzema and Score More than Ronaldo? Campaign. But the winner was what Sporting manager Manolo Preciado described as the "terrifying witch hunt" to which Manuel Pellegrini was subjected by Marca, an attack so blatant, ridiculous and twisted – and always met with such decency and decorum – that it boomeranged: Madrid's fans started rallying round the coach, forcing the editor to publicly denounce his own polls because, he said, they were open to "manipulation".
Unlike the paper's content, of course. Not satisfied with twisting Pellegrini's every word and blaming him for everything that went wrong and nothing that went right, they doctored the stats, replacing bias with bias and changing sides with such indecent haste you wondered if they were being advised by Danny Alexander. With 10 weeks to go they realised to their horror that Pellegrini was ahead of Guardiola in their Miguel Muñoz ranking as the campaign's best coach. Coincidentally, Pellegrini started getting one out of three every week while Guardiola picked up three out of three game after game – even when his side drew 0-0 with Espanyol. Pellegrini was pipped at the post.
Best match reports
El País's poetic paeans to Valencia-Mallorca and Sporting-Villarreal the morning after the clásico. Total number of words: 0.
Best stat
Comes courtesy of AS, who helpfully pointed out that Madrid have "always won when Gago plays alongside Xabi Alonso". Number of times they had played together? Two. A week later, they started their fourth game together. And lost.
Best fans
Getafe were presented with the LFP's Twelfth Man award as the best fans. In front of an empty stadium. This column attended six consecutive Getafe matches, which probably makes it their most loyal supporter. And, like the club's president, it doesn't even support them. So, sod Sporting, Sevilla, Atlético, Tenerife, Espanyol and other more deserving fans, it's taking this award.
Friskiest fans
According to the "Sexual Pulsations Index", Almería's supporters are the getting more than anyone else – followed by Xérez's. Madrid are 12th and Osasuna are last. And, let's face it, the most honest. Officially, Barcelona are only sixth but that can't be right. In early February, Catalan hospitals announced a 45% increase in the birth rate – exactly nine months after Andrés Iniesta's last-minute winner at Stamford Bridge.
Classiest sacking
Apart from the obvious one, that is – after all, it hasn't officially happened yet. When Zaragoza got rid of Marcelino, they published a statement on the club's website. No goodbye, good luck, no thanks for the services rendered, mutual consent, heavy heart or difficult decision. Oh no. "Marcelino leaves Real Zaragoza in the relegation zone," ran the headline. "His legacy is the sad title of the worst defence, a place in the relegation zone, three wins in 14, and a first-round knockout in the Copa del Rey."
Cheekiest club
Valencia, who decided to put a logo of their new stadium on the collar of their shirts. The new stadium they haven't yet built, aren't building, and has seen them plunged over €500m in debt.
Best merchandise
You always suspected that there was a right tit inside that piece of Real Madrid branded nylon. Now you know after the club launched their own line of bras. They do pants and knickers too but this column was too polite to crack that particular joke.
Best red card
Didier Zokora was sent off for telling the linesman, in English, to fornicate with his mother (his own mother, that is, not Zokora's mother – unless he really is weird). And Pablo Orbaiz was sent off twice in a month – for pulling someone's hair and for stamping on an opponent so cleanly it is a wonder he didn't end up with a pair of testicles impaled on his studs like traitors' heads on a spike. But the winner is Villarreal full-back Joan Capdevila. The week after it looked suspiciously like Sergio Busquet's second yellow card was instead given to Villarreal's Joseba Llorente, Llorente was again booked. Chuckling, Capdevila asked Clos Gómez if the card was for Busquets. The ref took offence and showed Capdevila a card, to which he replied: "Is that one for Busquets as well?" The punchline was red.
Best rumble
Xerez's Mario Bermejo had to be held back by police as he shouted "Retard! Retard! Yes, you, Miku bollocks, you! Retard!" at Getafe striker Miku, but the winner is Villarreal-Athletic, which ended with seven additional minutes, three players sent off, a kick in the back, Orbaiz's pull of the hair, a bit of the 'you and me outside's, a touchline set-to, and a fan in the front row nonchalantly emptying a bottle of water over Athletic coach Joaquín Caparrós.
Best match
Real Oviedo's fightback from 1-0 down to win 9-1 against Vecindario, naturally. Madrid's astonishing 4-0 hammering at the hands of Alcorcón in the Copa del Rey. And Joseba Etxeberría's brilliant testimonial against 200 kids from the club's youth system. But the First Division's best was surely Getafe's 4-3 win against Sevilla, revenge over the side that cost them a place in the Copa del Rey final. One down, 2-1 up and 3-2 down, Getafe made it 3-3, hit the post three times and won with a 93rd-minute penalty. That had to be taken twice.
Best goal
Take your pick from the catalogue of blinders scored by Messi, Ronaldo and Higuaín. Their best three probably came against Zaragoza, Osasuna and Espanyol respectively. Xabi Alonso's pass and Arbeloa's finish against Atlético came as a pleasant surprise, except for Liverpool fans, and Benzema's against Depor included that assist. Speaking of assists making great goals, even better was Ibrahimovic's pass to Pedro against Mallorca and Xavi's wonderful ball to Alves and from there to Messi against Málaga. For drama, the best has to be Rodri's 93rd-minute winner against Almería – as witnessed from the Son Moix pitch. He'd only ever played four minutes before he goes and does this. For sheer violence, Mario Bermejo against Barcelona stands out, the funniest was probably Julio Álvarez taking advantage of Cata Díaz's bizarre backpass against his own post and then there was Dani Parejo's goal against Madrid – one which should have taught everyone a lesson but sadly didn't. Iván Bolado and Roberto Soldado tried to outdo each other with overhead kicks, Duda scored – deliberately – straight from a corner, and Pablo Hernández turned all Dennis Bergkamp against Atlético. The best of the lot was probably Javi Martínez against Almería. But this column's favourite is the goal that never happened – because the post got in the way during Valencia's game with Mallorca. Now, this [at 1.20], would have been a proper ¡golazo!
Best coach
Pipo Gorosito, the most magnificently mulletted manager in history, almost revived Xérez, despite the fact that they reached the halfway stage of the season dead, buried and decomposing. Guardiola led Barcelona to a new points record. And Pellegrini showed extraordinary decency and decorum. Míchel took over from relegation-bound Getafe with five games to go last season and carried them to a Uefa place this, playing wonderful football. The handsome devil. Quique Sánchez Flores took charge of a team that, as he publicly complained, didn't even know how to take throw-ins and managed – somehow – to win something for the first time in 14 years.
But the winner has to be Mallorca's psychological, motivational genius Gregorio Manzano, who worked miracles against a backdrop of departing players, in-fighting, back-stabbing and financial crisis. Mallorca suffered the cruellest final day imaginable, players, staff, and Dimoni all on the pitch, champagne bottles ready at their feet, watching the giant scoreboard at Son Moix as Sevilla plunged a great big jaggedy knife into their hearts. Mallorca's season was always likely to end in tears. The shock was that the tears were provoked by missing out on the Champions League, not by suffering relegation. And that's down to greatest hypnotist-turned-coach there is.
Best player
3rd Cristiano Ronaldo.
2nd Xavi Hernández.
1st Leo Messi. Earlier this season, Marca gleefully ran a front cover finally revealing the definitive, objective truth: "Ronaldo is more complete than Messi." The proof? A footballing "X-ray", a point-totalling, attribute-by-attribute, "analysis". Carried out by a Marca journalist, who just happened to have written a glossy biography of Ronaldo and who might as well have chosen 'Portuguese-ness' as one of the attributes so determined was he to bend the rules Ronaldo's way. Inevitably, Ronaldo won.
It was the only thing he did win. At the end of a season presented as a head to head between the big two's biggest stars, even Marca had to admit defeat – brilliant though Ronaldo was. Messi got 34 league goals and 47 in all competitions. He also did things that would have been as unbelievable as they were unique, but for one thing: he did them again and again and again.
Team of the season
Víctor Valdés (Barcelona), Dani Alves (Barcelona), Gerard Piqué (Barcelona), Carles Puyol (Barcelona), Filipe Luis (Deportivo), Xavi (Barcelona), Éver Banega (Valencia), Borja Valero (Mallorca), Cristiano Ronaldo (Madrid), Leo Messi (Barcelona), Gonzalo Higuaín (Madrid).
Subs: Javi Martínez (Athletic); Jesús Navas (Sevilla); Pedro (Barcelona); Diego Alves (Almería), Marcelo, Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid); José Nunes, Chori Castro (Mallorca); Diego Castro, Alberto Botía (Sporting); David Villa (Valencia); Pedro León, Cata Díaz (Getafe); Nino (Tenerife).
And finally, some of the year's choicest quotes
"We're not up there because we're a delicatessen" – Deportivo de La Coruña coach Miguel-Ángel Lotina can say that again.
"He picks mushrooms on his day off – and anyone who picks mushrooms can't be a bad person" – Guardiola reveals Xavi Hernández's darkest secret.
"With our fans, a comeback against Inter is possible" – Pedro forgets the word 'even'. And in the end, it wasn't. Even.
"Madrid close their anus just behind Barcelona" – like anyone who's ever strolled past the "cono, 50c" sign offering ice cream for half a euro and thought "oh for a magic marker!", Marca discover the importance of that squiggly line above the 'n'.
"We're only Spaniards when it suits them" – Barcelona director Joan Oliver attacks his pot armed only with his kettle.
"Come back to my house and you'll see how gay I am. And bring your sister" – Zlatan Ibrahimovic responds to the sexual innuendo.
"I stuck it up there by mistake" – so does César Arzo, after photos show him marking Guti very closely and from behind, hand disappearing into the dark. That's what they all say, César.
"Provocative, arrogant and aggressive". "All he wants is to be allowed to play football" – Sport and Marca don't quite agree on Ronaldo. See if you can guess who said what.
"Just because he has lovely abs, that doesn't justify everything he does" – Onésimo is not impressed with Ronaldo.
"We all make an effort and you can be late once in a while but not three times. It's not funny" – and Rubén Pulido isn't impressed with Jermaine Pennant. Nor was anyone else.
"I'm not hard – I'm hard-ísimo" – Javier Clemente warns his Valladolid players. Or should that be 'warms'?
"This is a cheap team but it's one with a pair of bollocks like [General] Espartero's horse" – Manolo Preciado insists that his Sporting Gijón team are strong in the tackle.
"I just want us all to be happier and live in a world of peace and tolerance" – Atlético Madrid owner Miguel-Ángel Gil Marín turns all Miss World. Well, he's been through that many men …
"Cowardly coaches always chuck players in the bin to hide their own inadequacies" – Kaká's agent definitely isn't talking about Manuel Pellegrini.
"Resino hasn't killed anyone and I have no doubt he'll continue for the rest of the season. It would be madness to change now" – Atlético Madrid president defends former coach Abel Resino. That's former coach Abel Resino.
"The rest of us have been reduced to suppliers of players for the big two" – Almería coach Juanma Lillo doesn't like where La Liga is heading.
"It reminds me of Scotland" – nor does Sevilla sporting director Monchi.
"How beautiful football would be if it wasn't for matchday" – Tenerife coach José Luis Oltra lives the dream. Six days a week.
"We demand precision, accuracy and neutrality, but with one caveat: that it's in our favour" – Andoni Zubizarreta nails it.
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